Monday, 7 June 2010

Quick Update

Well today I weighed 9 stone exactly. Its been hard work but I have got there woo hoo! I also measured myself and am now 33 bust 25.5 waist and 34.5 hips ! Dunno why I'm measuring half inches but its better than the 29 inch waist I used to have. All my size 10's are getting too big so maybe I'm an 8 now. I'm too cheap to buy any more clothes though incase I put the weight back on lol.

Feel so much happier as I was always uncomfortable about being chunky especially as I'm short.

Now I just need to maintain it .....

Monday, 17 May 2010

The results are in....

Ok so last week I told you all about my diet. I started off at 9 stone 9 lbs, Bmi 23. Today, at 7am, when I weighed myself my bmi was still 23 however my weight was 9 stone 6, so a total loss of 3lbs. I'm happy with this although I was hoping for 4 - 4 and a half lbs loss. What is wierd however, is that on Sunday night I did the wii fit body test and it said I had gained 2lbs! But I am putting this down to wearing different clothes (so the weights of the clothes differ) and the fact that you are naturally heavier at the end of the day, and lighter in the mornings. So from now on I'm only going to weigh myself in the morning.

It has been horrendously difficult this first week. On Thursday and Friday I had a terrible energy slump. I realised this was because I had stopped eating chocolate, sugar, pasta and potatoes, and had stopped drinking red bull and pepsi (all things my body was used to and relied on to get through the day). I am obviously going through a 'detox' because I still feel pretty crappy and snappy. I'm hoping next week will be better and I will have more energy.

I haven't had one single packet of crisps all week. I'm really proud of this. I have drank diet coke instead of the full fat variety. I haven't drank as much water as I said I would, but I have drank more water than usual so that's a positive. I have also been drinking green tea, which I can't stand. But I read somewhere it boosts your metabolism, so I have been giving it a go.

If I can lose 3lb more next week I will be very happy indeed.

To celebrate today's result I'm having a cup a soup and a night off from exercising. Oh how I spoil myself!

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

As a way of motivating me...

I will be keeping a weekly record of my weight loss/fitness programme for the next few weeks (hopefully). This is because I can't be arsed to go back to weight watchers. I'm not sure how many of you have been to a weight watchers meeting, probably none of you as you are all young, thin and gorgeous. At a weekly weight watchers meeting you stand in a massive queue with all the other fatties, waiting to find out that you have actually put on weight or stayed the same. You pay for the pleasure too, I'm not sure how much it is these days it used to be about £6.50 when I went. Then you are supposed to hang around for the 'motivational/inspirational' talk afterwards - an ex fatty tells you how to get thin. I shouldn't slag weight watchers off really, I lost 3 stone 6lbs at weight watchers five years ago. The problem is I just can't be arsed to go to the weekly weigh ins and pay all that money for the next few months. So I am attempting to go it alone....

I am going to keep a completely truthful account of the next few weeks (I'm hoping it will only take six - eight weeks to lose the amount of weight I want to lose). I started the whole dieting process properly on Monday, so next Monday will be the grand weigh in.

On Monday morning, according to Wii Fit (My scales are shite so I use the wii fit scales) I weighed 9 stone 9lbs :( My BMI was 23.

The reccomended weight and BMI of someone my height and age (29 5ft 4 ) is anywhere between 8stone 4lbs and 9stone 4lbs (I think but this was based on one of them internet calculator things). The average BMI for someone my age and height is somewhere between 21 and 25. Now according to this my BMI is ok, it is smack bang in the middle. But according to weight I am 5lbs over the 'accepted average'. I would like to get to a nice even 9 stone. I think 9 stone would be easier to maintain, as I still want to actually eat and drink and enjoy my food.

So, in conclusion (GOD I have just gone into uni mode, this ain't a bloody essay although it is as boring as an essay, I apologise) I have bought a pedometer to help me make sure I'm moving my round arse enough. I have been going for 20 minute runs 3 times a week (I can't manage more than 20 mins my smokers cough kicks in) and doing step aerobics on the wii fit for 30 mins each day, whilst watching TV.

Did you know that an average person is supposed to do 10,000 steps everyday! I didn't hence the pedometer. It's kind of hard for me to do 10,000 steps a day with 3 kids. We go everywhere by car, I know we shouldn't but you try walking 3 kids around everywhere it ain't easy. The wii fit step aerobics thing lets you do around 3,000 steps in one session. So at least I am doing 3,000 a day better than nothing I suppose.

As for food.... This is a sore point as I LURVVVE food. I have stopped drinking alcohol as it is full of sugar and calories. Alcohol will now be saved for outings and occasionally at the weekend. I have started making smoothies because generally I just don't eat fruit. It is much easier to drink it. I will be eating brown rice (yuk) and porridge. And I will attempt to drink at least a litre of water everyday.

It is such a huge commitment all this, I can see why skinny people are generally quite boring. Still, it is now or never I have 5 months of uni and therefore no excuse. I will not need to comfort or stress eat, which I generally do when I'm writing essays. I am hoping that this will be the start of a healthier me.

So, next Monday I will weigh myself and be honest about the answers.

But for now, I am off to weigh a cup of brown rice, to go with my stingy amount of chicken ......

Tuesday, 27 April 2010


Firstly, I would like to wish a very happy birthday to David Roberts who shares his birthday with me today. Secondly, I often spend my birthday thinking about all the things I have achieved in life and all the things I haven't. On the whole, I think I have achieved many great things and am very grateful for all the things I have. Of course there are things I regret, such as my first marriage, my relationship with an idiot who left me when I was pregnant, bleaching my hair etc etc.

Lately I have been worrying about getting old. A wise man (David Roberts) told me to stop my whinging. I am not old. With age comes wisdom. I can't wait for the wisdom thing to kick in! I do not feel my age, I think I am in a time warp, mentally I still feel about eighteen.

I also want to celebrate being a Taurus. I know I am biased but the most interesting people I know are Taurus's. Us Taurus's are stubborn, feisty, dramatic, creative, loyal, paranoid, jealous, passionate. We enjoy our food and drink, we sometimes suffer with throat problems (this is all according to a book I have on starsigns).We are best suited in love to Capricorns or Virgos. We are loyal lovers and friends.

I am having a great day, the sun is shining and on Saturday my house will be filled with people dressed up as superheroes and villans.

Hope everybody has a great bank holiday xxx

Friday, 9 April 2010

A quickie

It has been so long since I blogged I actually forgot my password. I have missed blogging but in typical Vicky stylee I have been too busy. The problem with being busy is that I miss my favourite tv shows, get invited out to really cool places with cool people and have to say no, and my diet and my skin suffers like mad. I have been painting with white gloss most of the week, the damn stuff sticks to everything. I have it in my hair, on my face which has clogged my pores, on my nails and some how on my arse cheeks. I have absolutely no idea how I got it on my arse but since I have been working until the wee hours of the morning I think I may have fell asleep in the paint.

Next week I am moving, and somehow have to plan Uni work into that time. And then in 2 and a half weeks it is my birthday and I have to fit celebrations in too. And then in between that I start my work experience at a secondary school. I seriously am a nutcase. But I am an organised and motivated nutcase theres the difference. I can't wait to put pictures of my new house up soon. Never have I been so dedicated to a project before. I have found the perfect house and am busy printing my personality on every room.

My living room is black and white with bits of grey, with uber chic flowery wall paper on the main wall.

My hall has all my photographs across the wall with a 'home sweet home' canvas in between.

My kitchen is red and cream with retro wall art.

The conservatory is the kids playroom, they have a sofa and a desk for their drawing and colouring, and a TV and wii, PS3 etc.

My study (I have a bloody study woo hoo) has a red theme. Red rug, red curtains, red wall art, red filing cabinets.

My daughters room is a purple paradise with butterflies everywhere.

My sons room is blue with Thomas everywhere.

And well my room is the only room that has not been done, cos I can't be arsed yet. This is a future project.

Disneyland was fantastic. At times I got quite emotional, as I had always wanted to go to Disneyland when I was younger and it was such a great feeling to be able to take my own kids there. I wish we had gone for longer than three days because there was so much we didn't get to see and do.

I hope everyone is enjoying their break whatever it is you are up to. xxx

Saturday, 27 March 2010

I know this girl

I know this girl who is very unhappy. On the surface she appears fine. She smiles, she laughs, she can be very confident and outgoing, but deep down she is terrified and confused. She doesn't want anybody to know so she pretends that everything is fine, she gets embarrassed that sometimes she can't cope. She organises every inch of her life just so she can control something, but she can't control the nagging thoughts in her head, the ones that tell her to change.

She is a wife and a mother. Every day when she wakes up she puts her mother head on and does motherly things. When she is with her husband she performs the duties of a wife. When she is at university she is neither a wife or a mother, for a few sweet hours she is just Vicky. She can be herself and it is great. She can talk about things that interest her with other people who are on the same intellectual level (most of the time their intellect is higher but still).

I do miss Vicky. She is here somewhere deep down. I like it when she pops up every now and again, when she is happy and when she smiles. Vicky has the balls to make decisions. The younger Vicky would do something about being unhappy. Young Vicky had fun last night. She laughed and danced and was blissfully happy. Today the mother and wife Vicky is back and feeling guilty for going out, and feeling bad about arguing with her husband. I suppose younger Vicky and new Vicky need to find an ideal balance.

Woah, this is a bit of an intense, weird slightly suicidle sounding post. I'm not suicidal, no need to alert the ambulance or anything. Maybe I'm still a bit drunk? Been a difficult day, and have a lot to think about.

Anyway, to all my uni friends I love you all, you make me feel like myself and I love that about you all.

Monday, 15 March 2010

weird things you see in the street .......

Today's mood :( Been a day of ups and downs. Went to see the doctor today, not been feeling well for a while and been struggling a bit with anxiety so he gave me some 'magic pills'. I do not want to be a person who has to take magic pills, but unfortunately things have been quite shite lately.

Highs and lows of today,

Walking to the post office this morning I spotted something on the side of the street that looked like a black banana. It wasn't a banana it was a black dildo! It was extremely weird, and I do not know why it was in the street. Yuk. I consider this to be funny but gross, not quite a high not quite a low.

Went into uni and met Sanjay and Amy. Haven't seen Sanjay for ages around uni so it was nice to catch up with him. We had a coffee and a gossip, and it took my mind off things for a while.

Lows of the day have included feeling very sick, trying and failing to do uni work and feeling very bored. Also, one of my friends who I have been friends with since I was seven, is acting like a bit of a bitch lately and I don't know why. I could try and ask her what's going on, but I'm just not up for a confrontatial row at the moment. So I'm just gonna let it all blow over.

I think I may have started my nervous breakdown this week, so consider this post a warning lol. I might come into uni tomorrow wearing a tree costume or something equally as weird.


Sunday, 14 March 2010

Is this ok for a haiku?

Ok I suck at poetry, and haiku's generally seem to be the easiest poems to write. They are meant to be about nature I'm told, but I wrote this, and I'm not sure if it makes sense :)

Trying to write a
good haiku, is like trying
to ski with no snow

Or what about this one

Being brilliant
does not come easily to some
but for me it does!

Yes I know I'm not brilliant, that was my attempt at irony

or this

this haiku would be
good, if it was longer but
I'm afraid it's not

last one

the jelly fish is
an amazing speices, in
lots of nice flavours.

Yeah, I guess they are all pretty bad. Back to the drawing board I think


Saturday, 13 March 2010

The news at three - What VAJ has been up to

VAJ= Victoria Ann James. I can't be arsed to type today suffering with a massive hangover, so I'm just going to list stuff.

1) Got a placement at Streetly secondary school. Very excited, will be working in the English department helping those students who are struggling with their reading and writing. Had better buy some 'sensible' work clothes.

2) Got the tickets through for Disneyland Paris, only to find the dickheads that booked the holiday, have not put us as sitting together on the plane. Mmmmm, I'm sure my 5 year old will be fine sitting at the back of the plane on her own, while I sit somewhere at the front. I sometimes wonder if half of the population are brain damaged. Got to pay extra now so we can sit together. I want to do something very painful to 'Adam' You can use your imagination.

3) Started my dissertation proposal, took me about 8 hours yesterday, and it is still not finished. I really am confused about what kind of stuff I need to say in the proposal. I was so stressed out with it that I started to cry. It was ok though because I went out and got absolutely steaming drunk. I forgot about the dissertation for a few perfect hours. Now I am thinking about it again.

4) My best friend Craig came back for the weekend ( he lives in London) and we went out for drinks. Went to the Queslett pub for a bottle of rose, and 3 double vodka's and coke. And then I had a brilliant idea 'lets go to town and do some dancing'. So off to town we went. In every bar I kept saying 'we will go after this one' and then 'ok just one more but that's it'. It went on like that til 3.30 am. Then we had to go because I was sicking up in my mouth. Yummy. I really am the classiest bird you'll ever meet.

I'm Sure I have more news than that but, I need to get dressed. It's 3pm and I'm still in my dressing gown with mad hair and mascara rings around my eyes.

See you all my lovlies, be good xx

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Quick rant before I go back to bed - Organ Donation

Right.I was in the car and that advert came on the radio, the one where you hear a beeping machine and the narrator asks "what would you do if your loved one needed an organ. Would you leave it for a while?" and then the machine stops beeping and flatlines. This advert got me thinking. When I applied for my provisional driving licence, at the tender age of 17, I ticked the donate anything box. Now listen, I think it is great that somebody would want to donate their organs when they die, but I would love to know why they would only donate one or two organs but not all of them? A friend of mine told me once she would donate her heart but not her eyes. I asked her 'why not your eyes?' she said 'cos I wouldn't be able to see' Errrrrrrrrrrr your dead, you don't need your eyes bloody idiot!

If you are dead, do you really need your lungs, your eyes, your kidneys and so on and so forth? No you don't! What angers me more than anything is that there are people on this planet who are complete bastards and have never done anything good for anybody else. But what if their death could save someone else's life? It would give their life some meaning, they wouldn't have been such a big waste of space after all.

Now, I also understand some people do not donate organs for religious reasons, and of course I understand that religion is important. But for those people who don't like the idea of being cut open, or only want to donate certain bits of themselves "YOU WILL BE DEAD YOU WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE".

I may have angered some people who are reading this post, as I'm sure everybody has their own opinion about what is right or wrong. Some of you will agree with me, some of you will want to hit me. But let me just say this, I have three wonderful children. If one of my children ever got sick, God forbid, and the only thing that could save my child's life is another child's organ I would take it. If my child had died, and he or she could save another child then I would gladly offer another parent my child's organs. Granted I would hate the idea of somebody mutilating my child's body, but I think knowing that my child has saved another child's life is more important.

On August 11th 2007, the day I gave birth to my premature son, I almost died. Three blood transfusions saved me. I wanted to find the people who had donated their blood and thank each one of them personally. Without them I wouldn't be here. When you come close to death, you see the world with a different perspective. You want to help as many people as you possibly can because you are so bloody grateful that your still breathing.

Bit of a tense one today, apologies for offending anyone.

Ciao xxxx

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

I have got a bloody ghost !

Ok, so what do you do when you are terrified? I am writing my blog hoping that in the time I have written this whatever paranormal thing that is here with me will have left. I will be honest, I have never really believed in ghosts, until now. (Well actually as a teenager I saw a few weird things which I think were ghost related, but then again I was probably just drunk). About 3 months ago, I was lying in bed, still awake, only just got in to bed and I heard someone coming up the stairs. Not light footsteps, proper human sounding footsteps. Kids were all in bed, husband was in bed next to me, and he heard them too. I was convinced we had a burglar, so I sent him to investigate. No burglar, nothing. I spent most of the night with my eyes firmly glued to the bedroom door.

About 3 weeks ago, my sister came to stay the night. We were all in the living room, me, kids, steven and my sister watching TV. The living room door was closed, so were all the windows, other doors etc. The fucking door opened really slowly. My sister just looked at me, and I said "oh yeah, I know I think we have a ghost" She was sleeping on an airbed downstairs that night, ha ha ha.

But today, fuck me I should have just ran out of the house, instead I am paranoidly looking around while I type. I literally just got back from life writing. Came in, checked facebook, as you do, and was busily typing away while I heard something which sounded like a mouse scurrying across the window ledge. Of course, I immediately felt sick thinking there might be a mouse, so I went over slowly to look. We have this window seat thing in our lounge, on it I have got a white vase with fake flowers in it. On the other side the left side, is a lamp. The fake flowers had come out the vase, and were lying next to the lamp. They hadn't fell out the vase, cos if they had it would have been impossible for them to fall that far. I am telling you now, something just moved the flowers.

Which makes me think I have a female ghost, perhaps a florist, who didn't like the way the flowers were arranged so just pulled them out. Either way, I feel proper fucking creeped out now. I am probably imaging it but the back of my neck feels really cold.I'm going to go now, and drive to someone else's house, come back this evening when there are more people here and I'm not alone. FUCCCCCKKKKK

Thursday, 4 March 2010

Blogging is the new facebook

Whenever I have actual uni work to do, I always find myself on here instead. I have started using facebook less because of this blog, something I never thought would happen. I wonder if I could make a book out of all my blogs, a sort of Bridget Jone's diary, but from a working class Brummie with 3 kids? Do you think it could work? There has been plenty of terrible books published, so I guess it could if there was ever an agent stupid enough to take me on.

I would be pretty unhappy if my life was easy, I have realised that lately. I seem to thrive of being stressed and busy, that's just how I roll guys. During the summer months I'm literally counting down the days until life returns to normal, essays, essays and more essays. I have done something a little bit stupid, I have applied for a job (which I can't really fit in at the moment but I want my own financial independence rather than relying on my uni loans and Steven's money) and I have an interview! The job would suit me down to the ground. You know when your out in a club and some twat sticks a camera in your face, and then asks you to buy the photo for a tenner? Well that's the job. I would be taking photos of drunken people on a Friday/ Saturday night and then trying to convince them to buy it. Maybe if the staff uniform was a cheerleaders outfit I would sell a few..... Then again.....

I have also applied to four local secondary schools to offer my services helping the kiddies read and write. The reason for this is I want to do a PGCE, and I want to teach English at a secondary school. To do a PGCE you have to gain some experience in a school. I thought, I might as well start now. I have worked at a primary school before, but I need secondary school experience if I want to teach the bigguns.

I have also been busy sending my little stories off to various competitions, oh how I would kiss your feet dear reader if I won!

Been a very busy bumblebee ain't I? That's how I like it. Jeremy Kyle and knitting just isn't for me.

I have realised that Lewis Maull is the male version of me. He doesn't look like me at all. Yet he seems to be able to read my mind, and I can read his. Very creepy. We are both Taurus's maybe that has something to do with it?

What do you think Lewis? Anyway, better get on with some actual work. I love reading everyone's blogs they make me smile so very much.

Bye bye xx

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Seven pounds

I watched Seven pounds last night, oh my I cried like a baby. Absolutely brilliant film, it has been added to my list of favourite films. I must say, I only like Will Smith when he is in serious films. I didn't think much of him in Hancock, I can't stand films like Men in Black and Wild Wild West. I think he was brilliant in The Pursuit of Happiness. I really, really wish I had wrote the screenplay for Seven Pounds, because it was just unique, fantastic, amazing. I kind of knew in the first forty minutes of the film what was going to happen, but I hadn't guessed that he was actually Tim and not a tax inspector at all. Wowser, it takes a lot to surprise me, it was nicely done. I am also interested in jelly fish and spent this morning googling jelly fish.

Plans for the rest of today, hmmmmmm

1) Bacon sandwich

2) Tidy house

3) Re - write my life writing essay

4) Read some more Belle de Jour

5) Burn a cd (not literally burn a cd, you understand, as in make a copy, I really like Owl City at the moment)

6) Sunbed for 6 minutes

7) Pick the tribe up from school/nursery

8)Watch Despearte Housewives tonight

I thought I didn't have much to do today, but obviously I do. Oh yeah, I just thought I have been sleep walking lately, well sleep sitting actually (even in sleep I'm too lazy to walk). Last night I woke up to find I was sitting bolt upright, half way down the bed looking at a blank TV in the dark. It took me ages to figure out what the hell was going on. The alarm clock said 4.15. I looked at Ste for help I think, I was panicking a bit but I don't know why. I don't remember lying down or going back to sleep, but this semi conciousness thing was well creepy. I mean I was awake enough to know something strange was happening and that I was scared, but too asleep to understand why I was watching a TV that was off.

I put it down to the fact I ate too many carbs yesterday and too much sugar. Therefore, the only carbs I will eat today is the bread on my bacon sandwich.


Monday, 1 March 2010

Jared Leto

Jared Leto I want to spread you on toast and eat you !

On eating more when I am dieting, short story competitions and wankers

My brain is rather retarded. Why is it that when I decide to go on a diet my brain tells me to eat more rather than less? I feel very sick after eating a massive plate of spaghetti carbonara with chicken (it's ok I had an orange earlier).

I have entered a 700 word short story 'Lady of the Ring' into 'pick me up' magazine. I was actually very impressed with the story, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. The entries are being judged by the author of Chocolat (I'm sorry I don't know the lovely lady's name). Still it's an experience isn't it? The winning entry gets a £100 and their story published in a future issue of the magazine. I would just blow the money on fags and bags anyway ....... but I would absolutely love to get something published.

I am reading Belle de jour at the moment (it has been adapted into Secret Diary of a Call Girl staring Billie Piper) I absolutely love it. Read it. It's brill. My sister told me to read it, I love my sister she introduces me to great stuff, it was because of my sister that I got hooked on Pat Barker's novels. My sister said that Belle's writing style was similar to my blog! I called her a cheeky bitch as I thought she was trying to say I was a prostitute. What she meant, she said was that my blog is witty. Nice save Katie, nice save.

Oh and last but not least wankers. It has been almost three months since my ex saw Harry. I would love to know why the short, anorexically thin, spotty, ginger bastard thinks it's ok to mess around a 2 year old boy. I think there should be an operation for men who have already fathered one child, yet don't financially support that child, or even bother to see the child. This operation would be the removal of the testes. No sperm = no more opportunities to create a human life. I hate the low life scumbag more than anything. It was me who was left holding the baby, and it will be me who has to try and explain to Harry when he is older why his father never sees him.

The only explanation I have is that his father is a piece of dried up dog shit.

Saturday, 27 February 2010

'Death is better than life', my chilling new story .......(and yes I'm one disturbed bitch)

Death is better than life.

John liked to work late at night, that’s just the way it was. He needed silence; he needed to hear his thoughts, his fears, and his desires. Sometimes, he would just sit in his porch and listen to the sounds of the night. Rain, wind, a fox rummaging through a bin bag, black cabs unloading drunken twenty something’s. He had written several of his best sellers at night. John could find inspiration in anything. Correction, John used to be able to find inspiration in anything. Now it seemed that whatever he wrote just wasn’t good enough. People had high expectations for his next novel. His most recent novel Choose had sold 300,000 copies worldwide; it had been made into a film with Hollywood favourites playing his victims.

He had managed to write four chapters of this new novel, that’s all. His hands were sweaty as he sat staring at the one sentence he had typed of chapter five, the sentence he deleted over and over again, and then re-typed because he couldn’t think of anything better. John knew what the problem was, he was feeling unbelievably guilty, he couldn’t shake the feeling off. It was all about money, he had too much of it, stupid amounts of money. He didn’t deserve it, he wasn’t that good a writer, he’d just been lucky. He used to write for fun, for enjoyment. Now he had to keep his agent sweet, he had to satisfy his fans. He wanted out. This novel would be the last thing he wrote, if he ever managed to complete it.

Of course his wife wouldn’t let him give up writing. Money, holidays, material things all mattered to her. He smirked as he thought about the woman he had met twenty years ago, she would beg him to fuck her on the back seats of her mom’s Fiesta, she would run from taxi’s to avoid paying, she would dance laughing in the rain. That woman was long gone. He was scared his kids would change too. Danny was too young to understand money and fame, but Molly, well Molly was becoming more and more like her mother every day.

Whenever he got writers block he would log onto the message forum on his website and read the latest comments. One fan in particular, death is better than life he called himself, seemed to be obsessed with John’s novels. This guy would regularly post messages to other fans, ‘in Choose which way would you prefer to die?’ or comments like ‘just watched Choose for the third time today. I fucking love the bit where Catherine gets beheaded. Man I’d love to rub her blood all over my hard cock’. John was thankful he would never have to meet the sick bastard.

John was thinking about calling it a night, but he was finding it hard to sleep next to his wife lately. He had stayed up late every night for the past month just to get away from her. Sometimes he would masturbate in the pool whilst he thought about the young blonde across the street with the nice arse and big tits. It had been raining hard all night; John poured a Jack Daniels and stood watching the rain through the kitchen window. He was waiting for inspiration to strike. Nothing. He poured another Jack and turned his back to the window. His cat walked across the window ledge, its wail made John drop his glass. “Fuck. Stupid cat”.

John knelt down and began to pick up the pieces of broken glass. He could hear a faint tapping at the front door. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, it was probably the wind knocking the hanging basket against the porch window. John sighed as he began turning the lights off; it was time for him to lie down next to the miserable bitch. On the third step he heard the tapping again. He turned and put the hall light on, and unlocked the heavy oak front door. The porch was cold, he looked through the glass, nothing was there, but he could still hear the tapping. It was really pissing him off. Pushing his feet into his slippers he opened the porch door, and stepped outside into the rain. The hanging basket was swaying in the wind; John took the basket down and put it on the floor. Dirt spilled out all over his slippers “shit” he hissed as he crouched down and began pushing dirt off his feet.

When he looked up he saw a tall, stocky man dressed in black standing at the end of his drive. “Hello?” John said with a stammer. The man didn’t reply, he started walking slowly towards John. “Do I know you?”John asked. The man was walking faster now, John realised he was wearing something over his face. It looked like some sort of pig mask. The man was reaching inside his jacket pocket. John felt like he was glued to the spot. One of his worst fears was getting burgled. Finally he found his feet, and started to shuffle backwards fumbling with the porch door handle. “Get the fuck away from my house, I’m calling the police” John shouted.

John felt the door swing open; he turned and ran into the porch. As John turned the key in the lock the stranger pressed his masked face against the double glazed window pane. The stranger’s breath left circular patterns against the glass; the stranger tapped the glass lightly. John scurried backwards “I’m calling the police” he stuttered again. John slammed the door shut, and searched in his pocket for his mobile phone. He ran up the stairs and flung open his bedroom door. He grabbed his wife’s shoulders and began to shake her. “Wake up Karen” he whispered.

Karen sat up in the darkness “What’s going on, what time is it?” she croaked confused. “Shhhh keep your voice down!” John hissed. “What the fuck’s going on John?”

“There’s someone trying to get in the house! You need to get the kids and go down to the utility room.” John said. “Have you called the police?” Karen asked, her voice trembling. “I can’t find my fucking mobile!” John cried. Karen reached across the bedside table for her phone. “Karen, no, listen to me get the kids to safety, give me the phone”.

“The kids, John, the kids” Karen said shaking her head. “Karen, I need you to be brave, do you understand? Now go!” Karen crept across the hall towards her son’s bedroom. She scooped her sleeping son into her arms and fumbled through the darkness. She inched across the hallway and carefully opened her daughter’s bedroom door. “Molly, Molly wake up” she said.


“Listen you’ve got to be quiet. Someone’s trying to get in the house; we need to go down to the utility room. Come on we need to go” Karen said.

Trembling, Karen led the way through the darkness, her daughter following behind with heaving breaths. They tiptoed down the stairs. The sound of shattering glass coming from downstairs made Molly lose her footing, she grabbed at the banister to steady herself. “Dad!” Molly squeaked.

Karen turned to face her daughter “run.”

As they sprinted for the utility room Danny woke up. He flung his head back and started to grumble. “Shush love it’s ok, it’s ok” Karen said. Karen looked around the room for somewhere to hide the children. She put Danny in the cat basket and covered him with a towel. There was nowhere for Molly to hide, at fourteen she was too long to fit into the cupboards she used to hide in a few years ago. Karen wheeled the tumble dryer across the floor and pushed it against the door. She looked around for other stuff to push up against the door. The bastard was not getting to her kids, no way. She hoped to God that John had called the police already.

John moved against the cool walls of his pitch black study desperately searching for the light switch. He could hear the intruder breathing as he hid in the shadows. John wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead; he was trying to think of what he could use as a weapon. John’s fingertips found the light switch. The intruder stood next to John’s computer. The sudden bright light stung John’s eyes; he squinted as his eyes adjusted to the light. Terror raced through his veins as he saw the pig mask in the yellow light.

John cowered in disbelief as the man snorted like a pig over and over again. “Stop it, stop it!” John shouted with his hands covering his ears. “What do you want from us?”John screamed. The pig man crawled on all fours towards John. John felt a rush of adrenalin, he ran for his desk drawer knowing that a pen knife was buried somewhere deep inside. John pulled the drawer from his desk and tipped the contents out. Pens and post it notes and half finished manuscripts decorated the marble floor. “Just take whatever you want and leave us alone” John pleaded.

The pig man stood up slowly “I don’t want your belongings I want you dead” his deep voice echoed around the room. John reached for the cordless phone on his desk and began to dial. The pig man lunged at the desk and ripped the phones base from the socket. “I have money, lots of money, I’ll open the safe, you can take what you want. If you leave us alone I promise I won’t tell a soul. I promise” John begged. John backed away; he felt the radiator against his back. The pig man lunged at John and grabbed him by the throat. John felt the pig man’s hot breath in his ear. The pig man whispered in John’s ear. John’s face contorted with despair, “no, I won’t do it, you’re sick you need help, I can get you some help” John spluttered.

The pig man reached inside his long black jacket and pulled out a knife. He pushed up John’s sleeve and sliced across John’s forearm. John wailed in agony, his blood dripped onto the floor like raindrops. “If you don’t do it I will kill your family while you watch. Then I will kill you” the pig man’s voice was pure evil. John shook his head; the thought of what he was about to do made him heave. John bent down and clutched his stomach as vomit rushed out in hot, fragrant waves.

The pig man grabbed John by the arm and pulled him upright. John sobbed as he was dragged along the hall way. “Remember, do as I say and nobody gets hurt” the pig man hissed.

John leant his head against the utility door, his knees knocked together and his arse twitched. He glanced behind him at the pig man who stood in the hallway, the moonlight reflecting off his blade. John tried to open the door “Karen it’s me. He’s gone, I scared him off” John croaked.

“Where’s the police?” Karen squeaked. “I called them, they’re on their way. I caught him going through my desk drawer, he ran off when I put the study light on.” John’s heart pounded as he stood waiting for his wife to open the door.

Karen pulled away the tumble dryer and opened the door. She wrapped her arms around her husband “thank God you’re ok” she cried. When she pulled back she noticed the blood on his sleeve. “John you’re bleeding! What happened?”

Karen tore through the washing basket looking for a towel. “I caught my arm on some broken glass; he knocked the lamp over when he was going through my drawer.”

Karen wrapped the towel around John’s arm “What did he want? Money?” Karen asked. “Maybe, I don’t know. Maybe he was looking for my new manuscript”

Karen swallowed. There was something different about John. After fifteen years of marriage she knew when he was lying. John was staring right through her; his eyes were narrow and dark. Molly noticed it too “dad, what’s wrong?” she asked. John stood staring at his family in silence. “We need to get the children to bed John; I don’t want them up while we speak to the police”. Karen bent over to pick Danny up.

“Put him down” John hissed. “What? What are you going on about, he needs to go to bed” Karen stuttered.

“I said put him down”

“John you’re scaring me”

John grabbed Karen by her hair and began to pull her out the room. “Dad! What are you doing?” Molly screamed. “Stay here Molly and look after Danny, shut the door” Karen shouted.

Molly clambered towards the door. She sat with her back against the door and sobbed silently as salty tears trickled into her dry mouth. John pushed Karen along the hallway; she slapped at him and tried to struggle free from his grip. “John get off, stop it, stop it”.

John took Karen into the study. He pushed her down to the ground, her face squished against the cold floor. “Why are you doing this John? Why?” Karen whimpered. Karen noticed a puddle of blood by John’s desk, on the floor next to the puddle laid a crimson coated pen knife. Broken glass from the desk lamp surrounded her. The windows were closed and remained intact; there were no signs of forced entry in the room.

John held a firm hand on Karen’s head; he used his other hand to pull at her pyjama bottoms. Karen screamed and wriggled. “Please don’t, please don’t” she whispered. John forced himself inside; he turned his head and looked at the pig man standing by the door. The pig man removed his mask and John saw his identity for the very first time. A slow smile crept along the man’s face. John stared at the familiar face, a sly smile spread across his face; he grabbed at his wife’s hair and started to snort.

“Why are you doing this, please stop, please stop” Karen said.

John snorted and grunted. “He told me to do it, he’ll kill you all if I don’t” John laughed and licked his lips. “What do you mean?” Karen shrieked.

“Look he’s watching he’s nodding in approval” John whispered.

“There’s no one here” Karen screamed. Karen tried to inch towards the pen knife. John forced his weight on top of her; he reached his arm out and grabbed the pen knife. He forced Karen on to her back, and straddled her. Karen twisted her face to the side to avoid her husband’s deadly stare. “Death is better than life” John whispered. He thrust the knife into his wife’s throat until her body moved no more.

Thursday, 25 February 2010


It doesn't matter if my strawberries are dipped in chocolate I'm still eating fruit!

On shit writing

I am a shit writer. Most of you may think I am fishing for compliments here. I'm not believe me, I really am shit. I have lost the will to live lately writing this fucking 3000 word short story. I hate the way I write, when I read my stories back they always seem to be a mixture of styles. My narrators voice changes from snooty to commoner, I don't use punctuation properly and I can't write dialogue very well either.

I can either accept that I am a shit writer, or I can work hard and one day be an average writer. Then one day I might find I have become a good writer. The problem is I am a perfectionist. I think that everything I attempt could have been done better. I could have planned my wedding better, I could have written my first year poetry essay better, I could have made last nights dinner better and so on and so forth.

I really want a 2.1 for my degree.The world won't end if I don't get a 2.1 but it is important to me.These past eighteen months I have worked harder than I have ever needed to in my entire life. I need to know my efforts have been worth it. Of course the problem is the pressure I am putting on myself to get a 2.1. For example I feel guilty if I watch TV because instead I could be doing uni work. If I haven't done 2 or 3 hours of uni work a day I feel bad.

Sounds a bit like OCD? Yeah I think so. Some people have anorexia, some people are bullimic, I think I have over acheivertitus. I really need to calm it down but I don't know how.

Wow, rather a  deep and personal post today, I apologise. Please don't move up the corridor when you see me at uni guys! I know I sound like a complete nut job at the moment, but deep down some sanity still remains.

New but not neccessarily improved version of my short story, with more swearing and a different title.

The quest for friendship.

The door to Mini Movers playgroup was open. Elena stood for a few moments observing the slobs in the room. She was about to turn and go back to the car but her daughter Maisie was already on the slide. She swallowed and reluctantly sat on an empty chair next to a fat woman in a navy tracksuit.

She sat listening to the other women’s conversations. It was hard to hear properly the room was filled with the sounds of young children crying, shrieking and screaming. One voice triumphed over the noise. It was coming from a woman in her late twenties. Her hair was limp and greasy, and her hairy bare arms were decorated with unsightly tattoos. The woman’s laugh sounded like a witches cackle. Occasionally the woman would shout out “bloody dickhead” or “sperm donor twat”. All of the women looked like tramps; Elena could not believe she had sunk so low. She didn’t belong with these council estate low lives. This would be the last time she went anywhere her mother had suggested.

Elena wasn’t like the other women. She had had a decent childhood. Her parents had always been wealthy, and she had always lived in a nice area. Her husband had left her two months ago. He hadn’t left her for another woman; he had left her because he couldn’t cope with her mood swings. Elena had been telling herself it was temporary, and that he would soon come back. Last week he had suggested selling the house, and she had realised that their marriage was truly over.

Elena was watching her daughter run around with a little boy, unaware that she was being spoken to. “Are you from the Lodge?” the voice said. It was the woman with the tattoos who had been speaking. “I’m sorry, I was miles away, no I live on the Meadow view estate”. “Ooooh we got a posh one here girls” the tattooed woman mocked. “I’m Dee” she said. Dee pointed to a thin woman with dirty blonde hair and said “this is Shell”. An overweight red head piped up and said “Fine don’t introduce me then Dee, you bitch. I’ll introduce me bloody self. I’m Kelly”.

Elena smiled half heartedly at the women. She was thinking of making an excuse and leaving. “How many kids you got then?”Shell asked. Elena pointed at Maisie and said “just the one, Maisie her name is, she’s two”.

“Just the one! Bloody ell what a piece of piss, I got five little buggers me!” Shell said. Elena was worried if she looked at the women the wrong way she would get a punch in the face. Dee seemed to be the ring leader; whenever she spoke the other women gave her their undivided attention. Shell was busy cleaning chocolate off her son’s face, whilst a young mixed race girl was tugging at her leg. She looked up and said “you coming tomorrow?” Elena replied with a nod and a half hearted smile. Elena noticed out of the corner of her eye that Dee was watching her, it made Elena uneasy.

The morning had dragged, in the safety of her car Elena let out a huge sigh of relief. If she didn’t sort her life out soon she too would end up living in a council flat, sponging off the government. Dee, Kelly and Shell were coping with their mundane, poverty stricken lives, shit they even seemed to be happy. Elena knew they had it much worse than she did, she couldn’t understand what it was about her own life that made her so God damn fucking depressed.

Elena hated being at home all the time. Her friends rarely bothered with her since Maisie had been born, they were all too busy with their careers. That evening Elena did something she had never done on her own before, she drank until she was pissed. She sat pouring glass after glass of the cheap supermarket wine, sinking it down as fast as she could in-between sobs. The drink dulled her pain and during that short space of time it offered her a release from her thoughts, a break from her organised mind. But that voice was still there in the back of her mind, the voice that never allowed her to let go. The voice that reminded her she was a mother, and mothers should not get pissed on their own while their children sleep. The same voice that made her believe she was a failure and that her husband had left her because she was a nut case.

She had thought of suicide before, but actually carrying it out, well, no she had never tried to take her own life. She would sit and think about the pros and cons of suicide. The one thing, the only thing that stopped her from attempting anything was Maisie. The thought of never seeing her daughter again was sickening. And then there were the practicalities to consider. How would she do it? What if she decided to go ahead but changed her mind half way through? Death terrified her, but the thought of just existing was fucking petrifying.

Maisie’s cries woke her up. She opened one eye and looked around. She had fallen asleep on the sofa. She stood up slowly and started to make her way upstairs. Her daughter’s cries were frenzied now, desperate. “Alright, I’m coming. Mommy’s coming”.

Maisie’s nappy was heaving with shit. It had seeped out around the sides and was all over her pyjama bottoms. The smell made Elena heave; she had to run to the bathroom to throw up. When she had finished she returned to her daughter’s bedroom and cleaned her up. Elena tried to push the feelings of guilt to one side. She had been that pissed last night that an earthquake would not have roused her from her sleep. Elena knew she had to go to Mini Movers today. Those women were all she had, her only connection to the outside world, even if they were everything that Elena was not.

Elena could hear Dee’s cackle before she had even opened the door and entered the room. She saw Dee, Kelly and Shell in the far corner of the room and went over to join them. There was a free seat next to Kelly. “Hi Kelly, ok for me to sit here?” she asked. Kelly just shrugged her shoulders, Elena assumed that meant yes.

“Well well, we didn’t think you’d be back” Dee said. Dee stared at Elena for a few moments; she was trying to work out who Elena really was, whether Elena was somebody she could be friends with. Finally she said “Us lot are going back to my flat for a cuppa after here, you wanna come?” Elena had her doubts. Did she really want to get involved with these women? She didn’t exactly have many friends right now. This thought saddened Elena, she smiled at Dee and said “I’d like that”.

The first thing Elena noticed when she pulled up outside Dee’s flat was a blood stained mattress dumped on small patch of knee high grass. Vodka bottles and lager cans were scattered across the concrete path, a grey plant pot filled with rain water and hundreds of fag ends was balanced on top of an overflowing dustbin. Elena rang the doorbell, her head was itching. She felt dirty just standing outside the flat. Inside was no better. The place reeked of damp and fags. The net curtains were yellow and too short for the windows. There was one worn floral sofa pushed up against a fuchsia pink wall. The other walls in the sitting room were lime green, with big chunks of plaster missing out of the walls.

Kelly and Shell were in Dee’s kitchen, drinking tea and smoking round a small white table. Dee gave Elena a cup of tea, Elena could not help but wonder if the mug was clean. Dee’s son came into the kitchen holding a beaker up and whinging at Dee. He must have been about three, maybe four, yet he didn’t know how to speak. Dee snatched the beaker off him and filled it with coca cola. “Here ya ginger bastard, now piss off and leave mommy alone” she growled at him. The little boy started drinking from the beaker and pulling on his ear, Dee shouted “are you still here?” Defeated the boy turned and walked out of the kitchen, obeying his mothers commands.

Shell stood up and walked over to a work surface, she asked Dee if she could borrow a fiver. Elena watched in amazement as Shell proceeded to roll the five pound note up into what resembled a straw. Shell bent over the work surface and snorted a line of white powder up through her left nostril in one clean go. “Oi you ! Save some for the rest of us, I’ve only got half a gram left and I aint getting anymore off Dave until later” Dee snapped. Elena had never seen anybody doing drugs before. She started to feel sick. Maisie was asleep in her pushchair, Elena prayed that Maisie would not wake up. Elena finished the rest of her tea in one gulp, and said “well thank you for your hospitality, I had better be off, I’ve got some housework to do”. “Why do you speak so prim and proper Elena?” Dee said. “Have you ever tried a bit of sniff? Or any drugs at all?”

“No. No I haven’t.” Elena said, surprised by the venom in her voice. “Aint you just a little bit curious about what it would be like?” Kelly asked. “Can’t say I am” Elena lied. She was curious, but it was wrong. Drugs were wrong; her parents had drilled that into her head from a very young age. “What’s your story Elena? We know nothing about you” Shell said whilst rubbing her nose. “There’s not much to tell really, I live on my own with Maisie”.

“In a posh shiny detached house no bet, with a block paved drive and pretty pot plants by the glossy red front door” Dee sneered. “Something like that” Elena said. “What’s your problem with me Dee?”

“I aint got a problem with you hunny bun, I’m just jealous of your perfect life.”

“Jealous? What’s there to be jealous off? Yes I live in a nice house, in a nice area, but it’s a house I can’t afford. In fact the bailiffs are likely to come knocking any day now. I can’t afford to run my car, and my husband has left me” Elena said, her voice shaking. “Alright love, calm down” Shell giggled. “Fuck off Shell”. Elena blurted out surprised at herself and scared she was going to get a slap. Dee and Kelly burst out laughing. Shell’s mouth was open; nervously she started laughing too copying the others. Elena couldn’t help but laugh, for the first time in ages she had stood up to somebody. She was relieved it hadn’t backfired on her.

With a sudden rush of new found confidence, Elena asked Dee for a fag. She had smoked as a teenager, but had given up when she had met Christopher. He didn’t approve of smoking. The fag tasted worse than she remembered, she had to struggle to control the urge to cough. The nicotine rush made her feel woozy, eventually the feeling went, and Elena found she was enjoying the fag. Yes, Elena felt empowered. She felt like she was saying a big ‘fuck you’ to her husband, to her parents, to all the people who expected her to act a certain way.

Dee smiled a sly smile at Elena and winked. Elena realised she had been accepted by Dee. Dee was bad for her, she knew that, but there was something about her that drew Elena in. Dee was strong, powerful, she stood on her own dirty two feet. “Come on Elena, try a line. What’s the worst than can happen? You won’t get addicted from one line, I promise you. It will help you forget about all the shit you have got going on”. Dee said. Checking that Maisie was still asleep Elena nodded at Dee, she knew she was being bullied into doing something she didn’t want to do. It made her think of that time in secondary school when she had succumbed to peer pressure and kissed Martin Hingley in front of the dinner ladies. It was all about acceptance, that’s all Elena had ever wanted, she wanted to be accepted by somebody, anybody.

She felt like an idiot, she was shaking as she snorted the powder up; she had to do it in stages unlike Shell who had hoovered it up like a pro. The cocaine tasted vile, and Elena couldn’t understand why anybody would want to sniff it on a regular basis. She felt so guilty and irresponsible; she couldn’t shut her conscious off. Then the coke started to kick in, she felt her shoulders loosen and her legs begin to twitch.

She began talking like a smack addict selling the Big Issue, she wasn’t saying anything interesting she was just grateful to be involved, to feel important, wanted. Dee was right Elena didn’t feel like she needed to do anymore coke she wasn’t addicted. Elena knew she would do more though; she didn’t want to go home just yet and be alone. She thought about calling up Christopher or her mom, to arrange for one of them to have Maisie. But they would have asked too many questions. No, Maisie would have to stay here with her, Just for another hour or so then they would go home.

Three hours later Elena glanced at her watch. She had been having a laugh exchanging stories about childbirth, relationships, sex and money. Maisie had woken; Dee gave her some monster munch and a beaker of milk. Elena knew Maisie needed to go home and have her dinner; selfishly she ignored this maternal instinct. One more glass of wine, and they would go. The drive wasn’t far, ten minutes at the most. Maisie was tired, hungry and wet, and screaming for her mother’s attention. For the first time ever Elena swore at her daughter. She didn’t know whether she had done it to show off in front of the others, or whether being with the women for a few hours had changed the way she spoke. Either way she hated herself for it.

The drive home was eventful, Elena mounted curbs and drove through red lights, but she made it home. She knew today was a one off, she would never drink drive again, she was well aware of how lucky she was for not getting caught. Giving Maisie her dinner had been a struggle. Elena swayed as she fed her daughter, she could not wait for Maisie to go to sleep. She had started to see her daughter as an inconvenience. When Maisie had finally got off to sleep, Elena sat in front of her TV and lit a fag that Dee had given her. She was itching for a glass of wine, but had nothing in the house to drink. The off licence was a five minute walk from her house; if she ran she could make it there and back in a couple of minutes.

She sat thinking about what to do. If she didn’t get any wine or fags she would crave them all night. If she did go out to get some, it would mean leaving her daughter alone. Before she could change her mind, she quickly stubbed the fag out on a plate. Pushing the plate on the sofa she quickly grabbed her purse and keys before running out of the house. The walk to the off licence was further than she remembered. When she got there she grabbed the first bottle of red wine she could see. The fresh air was sobering, she realised what she had done and started to run. Her legs screamed at her and her chest rattled, tears flooded down her cheeks as she thought of her daughter all alone. Exhausted, she had to slow her pace. She had reached the bottom of a steep hill that led up towards her street.

An old man watched her walk past as he preened the roses in his immaculate front garden. She knew why he was watching her, she looked like a trespasser; she did not belong in this neighbourhood anymore. She began to run once more, she wanted to hold her baby and tell her how much she loved her, how she was so very sorry. She turned onto her street, and heard the shrill sound of sirens. Instinctively she knew. The scene that awaited her was like something out of a movie. A crowd of people had gathered outside her house, they watched open mouthed as she pushed past them towards the flames.

Smoke intoxicated her lungs; she tried to scream but was only able to produce a curdled squeak. The heat was fierce, it tore across her skin. A fire fighter pulled her back, she kicked and slapped him shrieking “my daughter’s in there.”

Time stood still. She fell to the floor and watched motionless as they tried to attack the ferocious flames. Two men emerged from the wreckage, carrying a lifeless bundle. Fear pulsed through her body as she watched a paramedic try to resuscitate the one person that she had truly loved. She ran over to Maisie and grabbed her limp, lifeless hand. “Please baby, I’m sorry. Please mommy needs you, please don’t leave me” she squeaked. The paramedic had stopped trying to resuscitate. “What are you doing, why have you stopped. She’s dying she’s a baby, do something” she screamed. The paramedic shook his head.

The ambulance crew placed a crisp white sheet over the tiny grey body. Elena watched in horror as they put her daughter inside the ambulance. “No, no. You’re wrong. She’s not dead, she’s just a baby. She’s not dead. She needs her bunny; she will be scared without it” Elena sobbed. “I’m coming with you” she said. “I’m afraid we can’t let that happen” a voice from behind her said. “It was an accident. I’ve never left her alone before, it was a mistake. Please, I’m a good person. I love my daughter, she needs me ....please” Elena’s voice trailed off as her hands were cuffed. She watched in silence as the ambulance drove away. “It was a silly mistake, just a silly mistake. I’m a good person, I’m a, no it’s all wrong, she’s not, no.”

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Anyone bored??

Ok if anyone is bored this evening and fancy reading some cheesey crap, please take a look at this short story. I really, really need to know what bits I should change/keep, if anything is confusing, if the ending is rushed (which I think it is).Comments are very, very welcome.


I am utterly, utterly consumed with fear at the moment. It must have been around six weeks ish, since I last cried. Last night, nothing at all made me cry, I was not upset or angry, yet the tears just kept coming down. My husband, who bless him never really understands these emotional outbursts, was asking what's wrong? Why are you crying? To which I replied I don't know, I just can't stop. I think maybe it is fear of deadlines, fear that I might not get a 2.1 which I need to do my dissertation.I had spent two hours editing my short story, and in the end I had to close my laptop and walk away. I'm pretty sure by editing it I have made it worse. I spent the evening doubting myself, questioning again what the hell am I doing a degree for and why did I think it was a good idea 2 years ago, thinking about all the work I need to do if I do a dissertation, I ended up panicking.

It doesn't help that I'm feeling under the weather. I lay awake until 4 am thinking of how to change my story, and pretty much conjured up a whole new idea for a new story. I need to start working today but I just don't have the motivation. I don't want to do it, it's painful. If I feel like this now how the hell will I feel next year when the work gets harder?

Monday, 22 February 2010

Early midlife crisis???

I have loads to be getting on with today, but have the overwhelming urge to blog, so here goes it will be a long one....

I am 28, but I feel like I have lived the life of a forty year old. I have moved home 16 times (I'm not a gypsy, my parents moved quite a bit, plus I have rented homes which have had short contracts) I have had 3 children, 7 miscarriages including one almost fatal ectopic pregnancy, I have been divorced, married twice, had a hysterectomy and 3 blood transfusions, I have worked continously since leaving college (apart from now that I'm at university) and had cosmetic surgery. It amazes me sometimes how much I have done at such a young age. I have this almighty fear of ageing, I think so far I have been quite lucky, I look younger than I am, (I think) and thankfully have not gone grey.I think my mother must have passed down good genes as she is 50 now but looks about 38.

I'm worried one morning I will wake up and all the stress and worry will have formed deep wrinkles, liver spots and grey hair. I think this is why I am always trying different diets ( I'm on the slimfast one currently, on Friday I will probably be on the cabbage soup diet) and probably why I am always dyeing my hair. I am surprised my hair has not fell out, I have at some point since the age of 13 had pretty much every colour there is. except pink.

I have done everything that is bad for me, I drink, I smoke, when I was younger I dabbled a bit with drugs, but I have NO regrets, I have seen too many people I love die before their time, and almost all of them have said before they died I wish I had done this/that/ tried this/ said this etc. I worry about money constantly, but over the weekend (which was a very very expensive trip to Blackpool) I realised that money does not matter, I can't take it with me when I go, and seeing the smiles on my children's faces was (without trying to sound like the Maestro or Barclaycard advert) priceless.

Another fear of mine is that my husband (who is absolutely gorgeous, and ex army so physically strong and fit) will trade me in for a younger/thinner/blonder model. I sometimes wonder what the hell he sees in me, I'm only three years older than him, but I came with baggage (children, plus a saggy stomach which carried the children). He could do much better than me, and he has, his ex girlfriends are in my opinion much better looking than me. So maybe it's my personality that attracted him, although that is debateable too.

On a completely different topic, there are a few things I have never tried and never will. I have never shoplifted, I have never stole anything in my life (when I was in year six I took some blue tac of the teachers desk, walked down the corridor, and then consumed with guilt turned around and went crying to the teacher to confess my sin), I have never drove whilst under the influence of drink/drugs, I have NEVER claimed benefits, and that rant is saved for another day, it drives me mad when women say they can't work because they have children, I have three children yet I always managed to get off my arse and find a job!, I have never had a threesome (and now I'm married I never will) and I have never gave or received a golden shower (yuk yuk yuk how bleeding gross, why anyone would want to piss on someone else is beyond me).

Anyway, I am going to end here. I have a birthday present to wrap for my nephew, I have washing and ironing to do, and shopping to put away.

I think the moral of this tale is, live your life, try new things, have no regrets. I know I need to follow my own advice, I worry a lot, but hey I'm a parent that is my job! Those of you who are young and child free enjoy every last second of it. Those of you who are parents, embrace every moment of your childs life, they are worth every hard earned penny you spend on them.

Have a good Monday night everyone xx

Friday, 19 February 2010

Cultural artefact/ artifact?? Which way is it spelt?? The first looks right to me but I'm too knackered to check

I am going to the lovely poor mans Vegas tomorrow, Blackpool. So will not be updating my blog all weekend, so this is it before Tuesday's life writing lesson. I realised I had not talked about a cultural artifact or anything I am an expert in. I am not an expert in anything. I am extremely common,boring and normal.The only thing I am perhaps an expert in is strawberry cheesecake Haegen Daaz (see even that looks like it's spelt wrong. I'm sure it is but I can't be arsed to check) or the ability to tell you how many calories or points are in an item of food. (I lost 3 and a half stone 5 years ago at weight watchers, and therefore knew the points in every item of food. This knowledge has stuck with me ever since).

So, anyway lets get back on topic. I have been reading On Writing, A memoir of the craft by Stephen King. I assume this could be called a cultural artifact? It is an excellent book, and I encourage people to read it. Not just because Stephen King is one of my favourite authors, but because King actually gives very good advice on writing. It's a combination of biography, comedy, writing tips, sadness, happiness. I haven't been able to put it down. I also seem to use quotes from Stephen King's novels for my facebook status updates. Such as 'you can't polish a turd' and 'sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to'.

Really love his dry wit and his sense of humour. I particularly like how he said publicly in an interview that 'Britney Spears is trailer trash, that's all she will ever be' and 'Stephanie Meyer (Twilight author) cannot write worth a darn'. I actually like the Twilight saga, don't get me wrong, but I love the fact that King doesn't mince his words, he tells it like it is and if you don't like it you can piss off.

Anyway, I have a 2 and a half hour drive first thing in the morning, so I better sign off now. One more thing though, was disappointed with Eastenders tonight.I think for a live episode they did great, but Stacey as Archies killer?Was a bit predictable, I would have liked to have seen an old character come back and do it, like Sean or Joel, who have both had dealings with Archie.

Anyway, why I am I still typing?

Have a good weekend peeps xx

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Need comments !!! This is the start of a new short story which will possibly be handed in for assessment, but more likely it won't be.

Warning: Creativity sometimes causes death.

John liked to work late at night that was just the way it was. He needed silence; he needed to hear his thoughts, his fears, and his desires. Sometimes he would just sit in his porch and listen to the sounds of the night. Rain, wind, a neighbour’s cat rummaging through a bin bag, black cabs unloading drunken twenty something’s. He had written several of his best sellers this way. John could find inspiration in anything. Correction, John used to be able to find inspiration in anything. Now it seemed that whatever he wrote was just not good enough, people had high expectations for his next novel. His most recent novel Choose had sold 300,000 copies worldwide; it had been made into a film with Hollywood favourites playing his victims.
He had managed to write four chapters of this new novel, that’s all, his hands were sweaty as he sat staring at the one sentence he had typed of chapter five, the sentence he deleted over and over again, then re-typed it because he couldn’t think of anything better. John knew what the problem was, he was feeling unbelievably guilty, he could not shake the fucking feeling off. It was all about money, he had too much of it, stupid amounts of money. He didn’t deserve it. There was a time when he would write for fun, for enjoyment. Now he had to keep his agent sweet, he had to satisfy his fans, had to meet deadlines. He wanted out. This novel would be the last thing he wrote, if he ever managed to complete it.
Of course his wife wouldn’t let him give up writing. Money, holidays, material things all mattered to her. He smirked as he thought about the woman he had met twenty years ago, she would beg him to fuck her on the back seats of her mom’s Fiesta, she would run from taxi’s to avoid paying, she would dance laughing in the rain. That woman was long gone. He was scared his kids would change too. Danny was too young to understand the fame game, but Molly, well Molly was like a carbon copy of her mother.
Whenever he got writers block he would log onto the message forum on his website and read the latest comments. One fan in particular, Johnny likes to die he called himself, seemed to be obsessed with John’s novels. This guy would regularly post messages to other fans, “in Choose which way would you prefer to die?” or comments like “just read Choose for the fifth time and watched the film for the tenth time today. I fucking love the bit where Catherine gets beheaded. Man I’d love to rub her blood all over my hard cock.” John was thankful he would never have to meet the sick son of a bitch.
John was thinking about calling it a night, yet he was finding it hard to sleep next to his wife lately. He had stayed up late every night for the past month, just to get away from her. Sometimes he would masturbate in the pool whilst he thought about the cute blonde across the street with the firm ass and plastic enhanced DD’s. It had been raining hard all night; John poured a scotch and stood watching the rain through the kitchen window. He was waiting for inspiration to strike. Nothing. He poured another scotch and turned his back to the window. A cat walked across the window ledge, its shriek made John drop his glass. “Fuck. Fucking hell, stupid cat”.
John knelt down and began to pick up the pieces of broken glass. He could hear a faint tapping at the front door. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, it was probably the wind knocking the hanging basket against the porch window. John sighed as he began turning the lights of; it was time for him to lie down next to the ice cold bitch. On the third step he heard the tapping again. He turned and put the hall light on, and unlocked the heavy oak front door. The porch was cold, he looked through the glass, nothing was there, but he could still hear the tapping. It was really pissing him of. Pushing his feet into his slippers he opened the porch door, and stepped outside into the rain. The hanging basket was swaying to and fro, John lifted the basket off the peg and placed it on the floor. Dirt spilled out all over his slippers,”fuck” he hissed as he crouched down and began pushing dirt off his feet.

My if I had 24 hours to live playlist

The other day Ian was talking about his desert Island playlist, and this got me thinking that I don't have one. More to the point, I couldn't hack a desert island, I would probably drown myself after a couple of days because I would be too distressed, and too hungry. So I have decided to create a playlist I would want to listen to if I had 24 hours left to live.

Here it is.

1) Satisfied. Toddla T

2) David Bowie Let's dance

3) Florence & the machine. Kiss with a fist

4) The trashmen. Surfin bird

5) Beats International. Dub be good to me.

6) Duran Duran. Rio.

7) Babylon Zoo. Spaceman.

8) Peaches. Fuck the pain away.

9) Prodigy. Take me to the Hospital.

10) Meredith Brooks. I'm a bitch.

If you haven't heard some of these tracks before, download them on itunes or limewire if you have it.I guarantee some of the lyrics will make you smile.

Tuesday, 16 February 2010

Arrrghhhh I want to put your head through a window !

Well the problem is I want to moan about somebody but I can't mention any names incase said person reads this post. There is one person who brings me down every opportunity they get. Whatever opportunity to give Vicky A GOOD KICK IN THE RIBS THEY DO IT! One of these days steam will escape from my ears and I will go off on one.

Feel slightly better for that x

Things to do during a power cut

1) Read

2) Write the old fashioned way with a pen and paper or if you have a netbook with a fully charged battery you can type

3) go for a walk

4) go for a run

5) go for a drive

6) cook some food if you have a gas stove

7) eat the food

8) have sex

9) masturbate

10) sleep

I'm sure there are other things you could do but these are what spring to mind. The reason for this post is because my street has had two fucking power cuts today.About 2 months ago we had a power cut at about 1pm. I was in the shower about to wash the hair dye out of my hair, which was rapidly turning black. The shower cut off just as I put my head under it. I had to wash my hair under a freezing cold tap, then drive to my friends house with dripping wet black hair to use her hairdryer. Today, we had a power cut at about 5pm. So hubby and me decided to go to Argos and buy a tent to kill some time, hoping that the power would be on when we returned. We don't just buy tents when we are bored by the way, we are going to go camping during the summer, so we went and got a 6 man tent, a lantern, a gas stove, 2 double airbeds with double sleeping bags and a cool box to put our food in.

When we got home power was back on, so I put Peppa Pig on for Harry and started writing my blog, and then waoowwww power cuts off again. Pitch black, scared screaming toddler, angry husband who had stubbed his toe in pitch black kitchen, dogs nextdoor barking like mad, and me cursing because I had just typed loads of stuff much better than this,which obviously got wiped off. Needless to say, I didn't do any of the things in my ten things to do during a power cut.I was too pissed off to have sex.

The first original power cut two months ago was because some dumbass had drilled through a main electricity cable underground. Fuck knows what happened today. I have been researching and planning my Disneyland Paris trip which we are going on in 6 weeks.I must be the only loser who downloads a timetable for shows and plans which ones we will go to, six weeks before we even set out for Paris. I have also decided, since it is half term at the moment to take my little angels to Blackpool Pleasure Beach this weekend.

I think I'm a pretty generous mom. TTFN my lovers xx

The most disgusting thing I have seen this week

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Man I am tired today, well hungover. Been a few days since I have posted anything. Last night was hilarious. Steven had booked this really posh restaurant, in the really posh Streetly area (where my mother lives don't you know...... in her detached 2 bathrooms, conservatory, brand new kitchened home, the bitch) well anyway, he never bothered to check the menu or prices. We sit at the little candlelit table, with a real red rose on the table and the waitress tells us its a set menu tonight. £50 each ! but you get a bottle of champagne, or £36 quid each without the champagne. Steven's face will stay with me for the rest of my life, I'm sure at one point he was going to say "come on Vic we are going somewhere else". In all fairness to him it was me that went on about the cost the most, I kept saying we can't afford this, and really? £50 QUID!!! for food? What? Anyway, as soon as Ste sat down he knocked a glass on the floor with the massive menu, dropped his knife and ordered the thyme chicken by saying to the waitress "can I have that theme chicken please?" I laughed inside. He tries really really hard, and does so much for me I'm very lucky. Then we went to the Glee club in an overpriced taxi, grrrr, I hate spending money unless it is on shoes, bags or clothes. The comedians were great, the host picked on us a few times asking us what our sex life was like now we are married etc, and asked Ste how he proposed etc etc. Lots of drinks later, we went home and were both starving, (our £50 quid 3 course meal was teeeny tiny !) so we had egg and chips and watched a bit of Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. Then we went to bed and you know the rest .................

I feel very guilty as I only got Ste a jacket for valentines day, and he went to all that effort for me, and I feel worse because of the moaning I do at uni about him, when actually I am so lucky that I don't have a cheating, wife beating scumbag for a husband. So yeah, Valentines day has made me very aware of how lucky I am to have Ste in my life. I have already spent the Uni grant we get on 28/2/2010. We get £525 I think. I have used this to take my kids to Disneyland Paris in Easter, for 3 days, on a fucking coach! A 9 year old and a 5 year old on a coach for about 7 hours. Hmmmm. Well it was the cheapest option. But then, lo and behold, whats this? I type into google after I have already booked and paid for the holiday 'reviews for goldcrest coach holidays' and buggar me, pretty much every review is a bad one. Coach drivers are rude, not enough breaks, they don't empty the bog, not suitable for kids etc, etc. I am gutted,and as usual I have leapt ahead and booked something without checking it all out properly. It looks like my 5 year old is going to have to wee in a bottle while the coach is moving. Lovely.

Oh well, it could all go very well for us, you never know.Worried about uni work at the mo, have been lazy all weekend, not done much. Rushed that essay that's due in Wednesday, but its only worth 15% so I don't really care about it that much. Feel like I should be constantly working on uni stuff at the moment so I am on track and ready for upcoming deadlines, but just don't seem to have the motivation at the moment.

Also, my diet has been obliterated this weekend. Start again tomorrow :(

Anyway, off now for a sleep, still a bit hungover, but have had a lovely weekend.

Bye bye lovers xxx

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

One stop shopping centre

Ok so today I went for a meeting at uni with Vicky Anglekai or however you spell it about my dissertation. She said my topic was good, so afterwards like the huge Nerdio I am I went to the library and got some books so I could get crack a lacking. I had to park at onestop car park as the uni carpark was yet again rammed, so I thought 'might as well look round the shops'. On the way into New Look, this fat man was screaming, and I mean screaming at the top of his Brummie lungs "No, no, yow've had it now,I'm going back to the car" his fatter wife was running after him with a Poundland bag, shouting "Oi Ray, I will buy you something too". Witnessing this has made me hate Birmingham even more. Fat Brummies with Poundland bags shouting at each other = vile.

Then, after exiting New Look and walking towards Asda, this disgusting bloke winks at me and says "yes, yes ... nice". My response is a deathly glare, so then he says "smile babes it ain't that bad" grabs his crotch, spits on the floor and walks off.

Yes, yes it is that bad. If I was the last woman on earth, I still would not look at that bad boy wanna be, no matter how much he grabbed his crotch.

Cannot wait to move away from Birmingham in the future, Worcester is pretty nice .........

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Exhausting day

Got home today much later than usual, picked Harry up from nursery at 6pm (usually Ste gets him). Was absolutely starving, but due to this appalling diet I am on I had to have one tiny turkey steak grilled in the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Grilling Machine, but I was naughty and had it with bacon super noodles. I have been having major alcohol withdrawal symptoms, so I had 2 large glasses of Asti with orange juice. Feel a wee bit pissed, because I have not drank for a while so it has gone straight to my head.

Not sure if I have lost much weight yet, it's week 2, my jeans feel looser which is nice. My scales are broken so I don't know how many actual lbs I have lost. Get a lie in tomorrow morning, because Steven has very kindly offered to take the kids to school for me as he doesn't have to be in work till 10.30. I am well aware I am very lucky to have a husband like Ste, he stroked my hair when I got in today and got me 2 paracetemol because I had a bit of a headache. Lovely man.

I must, must, must remember to post the birth certificate forms off tomorrow for the kids passports. They have been on the passenger seat of my car all day, waiting for me to go to the post office, but I have had a head like a seive today (which is unsual for me as I am usually uber organised).

Parents evening tomorrow, which is always very eventful. My 5 year old daughter's teacher usually has lots of colourful things to say about Isabel. Not much else very exciting has happened so far this week. I am massivly pissed off about the car we bought 4 months ago, which has been f***ing up left, right and centre and is going to cost an arm and a leg to fix.

Due to having a massive headache,I am going to sign off for now, and write some more interesting stuff tomorrow when I am feeling fresh. Can you upload stories to these things?Or poems etc? If I can then I will probably upload my creative writing stuff, so people can give me some feedback.

TTFN my lovelies xxx