Saturday, 27 March 2010

I know this girl

I know this girl who is very unhappy. On the surface she appears fine. She smiles, she laughs, she can be very confident and outgoing, but deep down she is terrified and confused. She doesn't want anybody to know so she pretends that everything is fine, she gets embarrassed that sometimes she can't cope. She organises every inch of her life just so she can control something, but she can't control the nagging thoughts in her head, the ones that tell her to change.

She is a wife and a mother. Every day when she wakes up she puts her mother head on and does motherly things. When she is with her husband she performs the duties of a wife. When she is at university she is neither a wife or a mother, for a few sweet hours she is just Vicky. She can be herself and it is great. She can talk about things that interest her with other people who are on the same intellectual level (most of the time their intellect is higher but still).

I do miss Vicky. She is here somewhere deep down. I like it when she pops up every now and again, when she is happy and when she smiles. Vicky has the balls to make decisions. The younger Vicky would do something about being unhappy. Young Vicky had fun last night. She laughed and danced and was blissfully happy. Today the mother and wife Vicky is back and feeling guilty for going out, and feeling bad about arguing with her husband. I suppose younger Vicky and new Vicky need to find an ideal balance.

Woah, this is a bit of an intense, weird slightly suicidle sounding post. I'm not suicidal, no need to alert the ambulance or anything. Maybe I'm still a bit drunk? Been a difficult day, and have a lot to think about.

Anyway, to all my uni friends I love you all, you make me feel like myself and I love that about you all.

Monday, 15 March 2010

weird things you see in the street .......

Today's mood :( Been a day of ups and downs. Went to see the doctor today, not been feeling well for a while and been struggling a bit with anxiety so he gave me some 'magic pills'. I do not want to be a person who has to take magic pills, but unfortunately things have been quite shite lately.

Highs and lows of today,

Walking to the post office this morning I spotted something on the side of the street that looked like a black banana. It wasn't a banana it was a black dildo! It was extremely weird, and I do not know why it was in the street. Yuk. I consider this to be funny but gross, not quite a high not quite a low.

Went into uni and met Sanjay and Amy. Haven't seen Sanjay for ages around uni so it was nice to catch up with him. We had a coffee and a gossip, and it took my mind off things for a while.

Lows of the day have included feeling very sick, trying and failing to do uni work and feeling very bored. Also, one of my friends who I have been friends with since I was seven, is acting like a bit of a bitch lately and I don't know why. I could try and ask her what's going on, but I'm just not up for a confrontatial row at the moment. So I'm just gonna let it all blow over.

I think I may have started my nervous breakdown this week, so consider this post a warning lol. I might come into uni tomorrow wearing a tree costume or something equally as weird.


Sunday, 14 March 2010

Is this ok for a haiku?

Ok I suck at poetry, and haiku's generally seem to be the easiest poems to write. They are meant to be about nature I'm told, but I wrote this, and I'm not sure if it makes sense :)

Trying to write a
good haiku, is like trying
to ski with no snow

Or what about this one

Being brilliant
does not come easily to some
but for me it does!

Yes I know I'm not brilliant, that was my attempt at irony

or this

this haiku would be
good, if it was longer but
I'm afraid it's not

last one

the jelly fish is
an amazing speices, in
lots of nice flavours.

Yeah, I guess they are all pretty bad. Back to the drawing board I think


Saturday, 13 March 2010

The news at three - What VAJ has been up to

VAJ= Victoria Ann James. I can't be arsed to type today suffering with a massive hangover, so I'm just going to list stuff.

1) Got a placement at Streetly secondary school. Very excited, will be working in the English department helping those students who are struggling with their reading and writing. Had better buy some 'sensible' work clothes.

2) Got the tickets through for Disneyland Paris, only to find the dickheads that booked the holiday, have not put us as sitting together on the plane. Mmmmm, I'm sure my 5 year old will be fine sitting at the back of the plane on her own, while I sit somewhere at the front. I sometimes wonder if half of the population are brain damaged. Got to pay extra now so we can sit together. I want to do something very painful to 'Adam' You can use your imagination.

3) Started my dissertation proposal, took me about 8 hours yesterday, and it is still not finished. I really am confused about what kind of stuff I need to say in the proposal. I was so stressed out with it that I started to cry. It was ok though because I went out and got absolutely steaming drunk. I forgot about the dissertation for a few perfect hours. Now I am thinking about it again.

4) My best friend Craig came back for the weekend ( he lives in London) and we went out for drinks. Went to the Queslett pub for a bottle of rose, and 3 double vodka's and coke. And then I had a brilliant idea 'lets go to town and do some dancing'. So off to town we went. In every bar I kept saying 'we will go after this one' and then 'ok just one more but that's it'. It went on like that til 3.30 am. Then we had to go because I was sicking up in my mouth. Yummy. I really am the classiest bird you'll ever meet.

I'm Sure I have more news than that but, I need to get dressed. It's 3pm and I'm still in my dressing gown with mad hair and mascara rings around my eyes.

See you all my lovlies, be good xx

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Quick rant before I go back to bed - Organ Donation

Right.I was in the car and that advert came on the radio, the one where you hear a beeping machine and the narrator asks "what would you do if your loved one needed an organ. Would you leave it for a while?" and then the machine stops beeping and flatlines. This advert got me thinking. When I applied for my provisional driving licence, at the tender age of 17, I ticked the donate anything box. Now listen, I think it is great that somebody would want to donate their organs when they die, but I would love to know why they would only donate one or two organs but not all of them? A friend of mine told me once she would donate her heart but not her eyes. I asked her 'why not your eyes?' she said 'cos I wouldn't be able to see' Errrrrrrrrrrr your dead, you don't need your eyes bloody idiot!

If you are dead, do you really need your lungs, your eyes, your kidneys and so on and so forth? No you don't! What angers me more than anything is that there are people on this planet who are complete bastards and have never done anything good for anybody else. But what if their death could save someone else's life? It would give their life some meaning, they wouldn't have been such a big waste of space after all.

Now, I also understand some people do not donate organs for religious reasons, and of course I understand that religion is important. But for those people who don't like the idea of being cut open, or only want to donate certain bits of themselves "YOU WILL BE DEAD YOU WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE".

I may have angered some people who are reading this post, as I'm sure everybody has their own opinion about what is right or wrong. Some of you will agree with me, some of you will want to hit me. But let me just say this, I have three wonderful children. If one of my children ever got sick, God forbid, and the only thing that could save my child's life is another child's organ I would take it. If my child had died, and he or she could save another child then I would gladly offer another parent my child's organs. Granted I would hate the idea of somebody mutilating my child's body, but I think knowing that my child has saved another child's life is more important.

On August 11th 2007, the day I gave birth to my premature son, I almost died. Three blood transfusions saved me. I wanted to find the people who had donated their blood and thank each one of them personally. Without them I wouldn't be here. When you come close to death, you see the world with a different perspective. You want to help as many people as you possibly can because you are so bloody grateful that your still breathing.

Bit of a tense one today, apologies for offending anyone.

Ciao xxxx

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

I have got a bloody ghost !

Ok, so what do you do when you are terrified? I am writing my blog hoping that in the time I have written this whatever paranormal thing that is here with me will have left. I will be honest, I have never really believed in ghosts, until now. (Well actually as a teenager I saw a few weird things which I think were ghost related, but then again I was probably just drunk). About 3 months ago, I was lying in bed, still awake, only just got in to bed and I heard someone coming up the stairs. Not light footsteps, proper human sounding footsteps. Kids were all in bed, husband was in bed next to me, and he heard them too. I was convinced we had a burglar, so I sent him to investigate. No burglar, nothing. I spent most of the night with my eyes firmly glued to the bedroom door.

About 3 weeks ago, my sister came to stay the night. We were all in the living room, me, kids, steven and my sister watching TV. The living room door was closed, so were all the windows, other doors etc. The fucking door opened really slowly. My sister just looked at me, and I said "oh yeah, I know I think we have a ghost" She was sleeping on an airbed downstairs that night, ha ha ha.

But today, fuck me I should have just ran out of the house, instead I am paranoidly looking around while I type. I literally just got back from life writing. Came in, checked facebook, as you do, and was busily typing away while I heard something which sounded like a mouse scurrying across the window ledge. Of course, I immediately felt sick thinking there might be a mouse, so I went over slowly to look. We have this window seat thing in our lounge, on it I have got a white vase with fake flowers in it. On the other side the left side, is a lamp. The fake flowers had come out the vase, and were lying next to the lamp. They hadn't fell out the vase, cos if they had it would have been impossible for them to fall that far. I am telling you now, something just moved the flowers.

Which makes me think I have a female ghost, perhaps a florist, who didn't like the way the flowers were arranged so just pulled them out. Either way, I feel proper fucking creeped out now. I am probably imaging it but the back of my neck feels really cold.I'm going to go now, and drive to someone else's house, come back this evening when there are more people here and I'm not alone. FUCCCCCKKKKK

Thursday, 4 March 2010

Blogging is the new facebook

Whenever I have actual uni work to do, I always find myself on here instead. I have started using facebook less because of this blog, something I never thought would happen. I wonder if I could make a book out of all my blogs, a sort of Bridget Jone's diary, but from a working class Brummie with 3 kids? Do you think it could work? There has been plenty of terrible books published, so I guess it could if there was ever an agent stupid enough to take me on.

I would be pretty unhappy if my life was easy, I have realised that lately. I seem to thrive of being stressed and busy, that's just how I roll guys. During the summer months I'm literally counting down the days until life returns to normal, essays, essays and more essays. I have done something a little bit stupid, I have applied for a job (which I can't really fit in at the moment but I want my own financial independence rather than relying on my uni loans and Steven's money) and I have an interview! The job would suit me down to the ground. You know when your out in a club and some twat sticks a camera in your face, and then asks you to buy the photo for a tenner? Well that's the job. I would be taking photos of drunken people on a Friday/ Saturday night and then trying to convince them to buy it. Maybe if the staff uniform was a cheerleaders outfit I would sell a few..... Then again.....

I have also applied to four local secondary schools to offer my services helping the kiddies read and write. The reason for this is I want to do a PGCE, and I want to teach English at a secondary school. To do a PGCE you have to gain some experience in a school. I thought, I might as well start now. I have worked at a primary school before, but I need secondary school experience if I want to teach the bigguns.

I have also been busy sending my little stories off to various competitions, oh how I would kiss your feet dear reader if I won!

Been a very busy bumblebee ain't I? That's how I like it. Jeremy Kyle and knitting just isn't for me.

I have realised that Lewis Maull is the male version of me. He doesn't look like me at all. Yet he seems to be able to read my mind, and I can read his. Very creepy. We are both Taurus's maybe that has something to do with it?

What do you think Lewis? Anyway, better get on with some actual work. I love reading everyone's blogs they make me smile so very much.

Bye bye xx

Wednesday, 3 March 2010

Seven pounds

I watched Seven pounds last night, oh my I cried like a baby. Absolutely brilliant film, it has been added to my list of favourite films. I must say, I only like Will Smith when he is in serious films. I didn't think much of him in Hancock, I can't stand films like Men in Black and Wild Wild West. I think he was brilliant in The Pursuit of Happiness. I really, really wish I had wrote the screenplay for Seven Pounds, because it was just unique, fantastic, amazing. I kind of knew in the first forty minutes of the film what was going to happen, but I hadn't guessed that he was actually Tim and not a tax inspector at all. Wowser, it takes a lot to surprise me, it was nicely done. I am also interested in jelly fish and spent this morning googling jelly fish.

Plans for the rest of today, hmmmmmm

1) Bacon sandwich

2) Tidy house

3) Re - write my life writing essay

4) Read some more Belle de Jour

5) Burn a cd (not literally burn a cd, you understand, as in make a copy, I really like Owl City at the moment)

6) Sunbed for 6 minutes

7) Pick the tribe up from school/nursery

8)Watch Despearte Housewives tonight

I thought I didn't have much to do today, but obviously I do. Oh yeah, I just thought I have been sleep walking lately, well sleep sitting actually (even in sleep I'm too lazy to walk). Last night I woke up to find I was sitting bolt upright, half way down the bed looking at a blank TV in the dark. It took me ages to figure out what the hell was going on. The alarm clock said 4.15. I looked at Ste for help I think, I was panicking a bit but I don't know why. I don't remember lying down or going back to sleep, but this semi conciousness thing was well creepy. I mean I was awake enough to know something strange was happening and that I was scared, but too asleep to understand why I was watching a TV that was off.

I put it down to the fact I ate too many carbs yesterday and too much sugar. Therefore, the only carbs I will eat today is the bread on my bacon sandwich.


Monday, 1 March 2010

Jared Leto

Jared Leto I want to spread you on toast and eat you !

On eating more when I am dieting, short story competitions and wankers

My brain is rather retarded. Why is it that when I decide to go on a diet my brain tells me to eat more rather than less? I feel very sick after eating a massive plate of spaghetti carbonara with chicken (it's ok I had an orange earlier).

I have entered a 700 word short story 'Lady of the Ring' into 'pick me up' magazine. I was actually very impressed with the story, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. The entries are being judged by the author of Chocolat (I'm sorry I don't know the lovely lady's name). Still it's an experience isn't it? The winning entry gets a £100 and their story published in a future issue of the magazine. I would just blow the money on fags and bags anyway ....... but I would absolutely love to get something published.

I am reading Belle de jour at the moment (it has been adapted into Secret Diary of a Call Girl staring Billie Piper) I absolutely love it. Read it. It's brill. My sister told me to read it, I love my sister she introduces me to great stuff, it was because of my sister that I got hooked on Pat Barker's novels. My sister said that Belle's writing style was similar to my blog! I called her a cheeky bitch as I thought she was trying to say I was a prostitute. What she meant, she said was that my blog is witty. Nice save Katie, nice save.

Oh and last but not least wankers. It has been almost three months since my ex saw Harry. I would love to know why the short, anorexically thin, spotty, ginger bastard thinks it's ok to mess around a 2 year old boy. I think there should be an operation for men who have already fathered one child, yet don't financially support that child, or even bother to see the child. This operation would be the removal of the testes. No sperm = no more opportunities to create a human life. I hate the low life scumbag more than anything. It was me who was left holding the baby, and it will be me who has to try and explain to Harry when he is older why his father never sees him.

The only explanation I have is that his father is a piece of dried up dog shit.