Saturday, 27 March 2010

I know this girl

I know this girl who is very unhappy. On the surface she appears fine. She smiles, she laughs, she can be very confident and outgoing, but deep down she is terrified and confused. She doesn't want anybody to know so she pretends that everything is fine, she gets embarrassed that sometimes she can't cope. She organises every inch of her life just so she can control something, but she can't control the nagging thoughts in her head, the ones that tell her to change.

She is a wife and a mother. Every day when she wakes up she puts her mother head on and does motherly things. When she is with her husband she performs the duties of a wife. When she is at university she is neither a wife or a mother, for a few sweet hours she is just Vicky. She can be herself and it is great. She can talk about things that interest her with other people who are on the same intellectual level (most of the time their intellect is higher but still).

I do miss Vicky. She is here somewhere deep down. I like it when she pops up every now and again, when she is happy and when she smiles. Vicky has the balls to make decisions. The younger Vicky would do something about being unhappy. Young Vicky had fun last night. She laughed and danced and was blissfully happy. Today the mother and wife Vicky is back and feeling guilty for going out, and feeling bad about arguing with her husband. I suppose younger Vicky and new Vicky need to find an ideal balance.

Woah, this is a bit of an intense, weird slightly suicidle sounding post. I'm not suicidal, no need to alert the ambulance or anything. Maybe I'm still a bit drunk? Been a difficult day, and have a lot to think about.

Anyway, to all my uni friends I love you all, you make me feel like myself and I love that about you all.

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