Fear

I am utterly, utterly consumed with fear at the moment. It must have been around six weeks ish, since I last cried. Last night, nothing at all made me cry, I was not upset or angry, yet the tears just kept coming down. My husband, who bless him never really understands these emotional outbursts, was asking what's wrong? Why are you crying? To which I replied I don't know, I just can't stop. I think maybe it is fear of deadlines, fear that I might not get a 2.1 which I need to do my dissertation.I had spent two hours editing my short story, and in the end I had to close my laptop and walk away. I'm pretty sure by editing it I have made it worse. I spent the evening doubting myself, questioning again what the hell am I doing a degree for and why did I think it was a good idea 2 years ago, thinking about all the work I need to do if I do a dissertation, I ended up panicking.

It doesn't help that I'm feeling under the weather. I lay awake until 4 am thinking of how to change my story, and pretty much conjured up a whole new idea for a new story. I need to start working today but I just don't have the motivation. I don't want to do it, it's painful. If I feel like this now how the hell will I feel next year when the work gets harder?